As I unravel the "mess" of my life and figure out what is a result of my condition, and what is truly me, I am finding that it is VERY difficult to find things that aren't a direct result of "learning how to exist" with my condition. I feel as though the more I unravel the mess, the more condition I find, and the less of me there is. So, my condition basically shaped me into who I am today...and trying to get rid of it-to find my "voice" so to say; It is very frustrating.
The way I react to/in situations: my social etiquette, my drive/motivation, what I feel I'm worth. I think I would react so differently in life and how I take it on if I didn't have Bipolar 2. Of course I would!! Who wouldn't? Who wants to feel timid, so undeserving or lacking, feel useless, fearful, unlikeable, untalented, ugly and broken. People always tell me how beautiful I am, how talented I am with baking and cooking, what pretty hair I have, how kind and loving I am. Why can't I see those things? Why can't I trust them when they tell me those things? Without Bipolar I would have been able to develop myself into who I want to be. Now, I am facing breaking out of all of that and it scares me! Shouldn't I be more excited? Life is waiting!!! It's all I've known for 26 years whether I like it or not...bipolar 2 disorder is all I've known! Up until this year I have been unaware as to what my diagnosis was. Now that I know (and am being treated with medicine that has helped a whole lot...still working on the dosage) shouldn't I be able accomplish whatever I want?
I have a hard time trusting what is underneath the condition. My conditioned doubts about myself still creep up.
Am I really worth all this fuss? Yes, I guess-I just need to believe it. This is the main paradigm that I need to get over. I know it will be a hard journey. Somewhere in my intricately woven mess of my condition and me...I am in there. I am worth fighting for.
What makes me, me? I have no clue. Somewhere in me I am waiting to burst out of my shell and live life.
